Possibilities

A new year with new possibilities is on me. What is my purpose. What is my destiny. Not to be overly dramatic here, but I am still unsure sometimes. I'm unsure about what direction my life is going. Or, to be honest, what direction I want it to go.

Being a mother involves so many wonderful things, but it is so challenging.
 I am selfish, I'll admit it. I like to have a hot cup of coffee in the morning, the whole cup, hot the whole time. I like a neat house. The more chaos in my bedroom the more likely I'll have trouble sleeping. The more chaos in my home equals the more chaos in my mind...mind clutter is detrimental to me personally. I like to ride in the car quietly and think or talk  with my husband about everything and anything. It is important to me to do that. I find it incredibly intimate to talk with someone who values me and is interested in the "absolute nothingness" that is coming from my lips. I like those things. I like coffee shops. I like book stores. I love reading. I don't read anymore. I'm tired. I'm spent. It seems, recently, that I'm at my breaking point more often than usual.

My son is two. He is an imaginative, smart, caring, curious, tender child. I adore him...but he is also two. Two year olds are scary. They will hug you so gently one moment and then bite you on your bottom when your back is turned the next (true story, happened yesterday). He has never bitten anyone before. Why yesterday? Why me? Because I was there. Because he was curious. After tears and time out and squatting down to explain why it is not nice to bite or hit or kick or punch or throw toys he hugged me and rested his head on my shoulder and said, "I love you" ...and off he ran to play. I had to catch my breath. I was so mad and in moments he had forgotten and played. no resentment. no lingering anger. I think I could learn from this boy!

But to get back to my original point, what to do...with me...
maybe this is it. Maybe this is where I am meant to be. I don't mean that in a whoa is me, bust out the fiddle kind of way. I mean, maybe spending this time with my children right now, is what I am meant to be and do at this time in my life. There will be a time for more focus on me. Time for me to go out and achieve greatness. Maybe the throw-up and temper tantrums and back rubs and screaming and food throwing and hugs and unconditional love and kisses and bottom-biting and singing and laughter is my current greatness...already achieved. Embrace now. This is the time for whatever it is you're doing. This is my time right now, to spend with my children. There is a reason I was laid off. I have to believe that this is where i am meant to be. And if I don't embrace this now, I will have learned nothing. I will have lost my ability to appreciate now.

Hot Tea

Hot Tea
There are more moments that exist


when I want to see my children grown


where the worry lines on my face,


etched carefully, subtly during their teens,


are visible in the quiet light




I sit with a hot cup of tea


a scene that I longed for


throughout their childhood


when my eldest wouldn't nap


and instead chose to scream


which woke up my youngest


This pull and push,


brought me to the very brink of sanity, the very edge


looking below I saw the depths of insanity


that drew


closer


and closer


with


each


exhausted


wail


from


upstairs




but I step back from the sanity ledge


the hot cup of tea


the quiet living room


the soft light


instead, I step into the chaos


I hold my youngest


and cry with her


we are both in need of comforting


she provides the calm that I am able to restore to her


I lay her down gently


I tuck in my oldest, kiss him softly


 

I return to my tea which has turned cold


and am fulfilled with each sip


because there will be a time for hot tea


and I am certain,


as I drink it then,


I will long to hear crying from the upstairs